Manic Monday

Microsoft's E3 event was pretty amazing for most gamers. By gamers I mean lads like you and me who grew up with Super Nintendo, Megadrive and then moved forward to the next gen era. Not Wii owners. Not fanbois obsessed with Sony Style over substance. Microsoft has the games. If they didn't then I would have bought another system. Since I am not about to buy a PS3 for the Metal Gear cutscene collection it's vital that we continue to get a good stream of decent 360 software. After watching the announcements at E3 and looking at some of the game footage then it's clear that we've got a lot to look forward to over the next 12 months. I am not including Lips in that statement. I do have my limits. Gears 2 is still top of my wanted list but it was almost dethroned by Resident Evil 5. Damn, that one looks so shockingly good. The E3 trailer required constant pant changes as I was literally pissing with excitement. Follow that up with the RPG onslaught from Squeenix and bring up the rear with Silent Hill, Pinata, Soul Calibur, Farcry 2, Dead Space, Fallout and Fable 2 and tons more. Can you remember a list of upcoming games of that magnitude?

Thank heaven for Moffat

Hmm. Okay. Adding Doctor Who season finale to the growing list of entertainment disappointments I've had to endure this year. What's going on? Doesn't anyone know how to construct a decent ending nowadays? Games, movies and now my favourite tv show, all falling at the final hurdle. I spat out my popcorn during the last 20 minutes of Indy 4. I had to fight back the boredom to finish off GTA IV . Now, Davies delivers another improbable collection of quick-fire calamitous scenarios and situations devoid of all drama and suspense. You barely get a moment to comprehend the jargon and techno waffle and hey presto, it's solved with a quick button press on the tardis console or a handy, control-all-Dalek machine that plays like a church organ.

Spac-handed buffoonery

Emap Images was many things but it was never grateful. Life on Mean Machines was hard work and the 'fun' came from the games and the lads making the best out of the long days. The team developed a unique vocabulary that, when combined with odd facial expressions, could accurately assess a team members ability whether it be their gaming skills or work. Just like Emap management, the editors learnt to totally avoid congratulating any of the staff for their efforts. It was of course necessary to refer to oneself as 'The Master' when taking screenshots or playing the software through for the mag. Staff had to then recreate the magic or face a barrage of insults. Myself and Richard honed these insults down into a wordless distortion of the face and a twitching right hand. Tongue out and hand tilted and shaking, this cretinous form was the perfect accomplice to someones spac-handed muppetry. Imagine my joy when the master of the mong hand himself, Davros, made a spectacular return to our TV screens a few days ago. It's fair to say that quite a few staff members truly sucked at games, perfectly mimicking the gaming talents of the Dalek creator himself.

Green Herb + Blue Herb? Lifestyle + Gaming?

One of those combos works a treat. The other is a recipe for disaster! Following on from my last post I thought I would show you a sample of the editorial madness that we regularly indulged in over at Computec USA. After 10 years of 'normal' gaming editorial we all thought how cool it was to do something edgy. You know the thing, stylish and grown-up like Maxim and all the other 'real' mags. Still, after a great concept, after a superb photoshoot, after an exclusive early glimpse of Resident Evil, after the dust had settled what did we have? Eight pages of boredom and self-congratulatory wank that was ignored by gamers and Capcom alike!
Ninja Nockers
Gaiden II is a fantastic game. Not cutting edge or a system showcase but a solid, dismemberment-fest with mass carnage and some very large breasted women. Played through on Acolyte, which I admit was a doddle, and had been progressing nicely through Warrior setting when the game decides to freeze. Not just once though. Every time, same battle, same spot. Nothing I can do can prevent it either. Quality testing guys!

Aluminum? No. Aluminium you ass…

My tenure in the great state of California was a mixed bag. It began in 1996 with a stint at GameFan but ended in 2000 after Computec Media's US operation imploded in complete disaster with 30 mil washed down the toilet. So how does a successful media company blow 30 million down the swanny then? Quite simple really. Convince seasoned game journos to launch a magazine that features the biggest names in TV, music and movies playing games! Oh, get a few previews and a screenshot or two in there also. Just in case you want to actually *see* a game in the magazine. How did it fare? First issue of Incite: Video Games was actually a monster and still holds the record for best launch in the video games market with about 800,000 copies shifted. It did not last. Evil forces were afoot as all kinds of plotters and back stabbers were working tirelessly to discredit the magazine and scupper advertising deals. Future Publishing (or Imagine as they where known back then) sent letters to all the key advertisers telling them to 'resist the German invasion' and it was as close as calling us Nazis or mentioning the war as you could legally get! Of course they were cowardly sods so they got printers and other agencies to do the work for them. The magazine concept might have had the legs to weather the storm had there been a Wii or DS in the market but games back then were still pretty hardcore and most gamers couldn't care less for lifestyle garbage. It was amusing to have a photography budget for one issue that eclipsed what we spent on Mean Machines during it's entire life span!

Summer slog

The hot and sweaty days are upon us. Three computers and all the associated kit that goes with it can generate quite amazing heat when I close the door and windows. I dare not turn on the Xbox or the room will go into a supernova-style meltdown. Though a 360 and it's power pack make an excellent back-up radiator should you find yourself a bit chilly during the winter.
What are you playing at?
Nothing meaningful right now. Most of my games are now beaten and I am just collecting achievements like the whore I am. Going for the Dark Sector-Brutal achievement and then I've got a few little things to wrap on Condemned 2. Most likely take a while though as the work and nice weather make gaming a less exciting prospect than usual. Looking forward I don't see too much that takes my fancy either. Gears 2, Pinata 2 and banjo are some way off though I do have a freebie coming from Codemasters after I did some work for a Race Driver: Grid artbook. I tried the demo and it was very nice indeed.
Sitting on your fat spiny Tat Ass
It's been such a long time I showed off any of my tat warez that I almost broke my back in two reaching through the attic for this green plush monster. Hope you ingrates appreciate the pain as I type this out. Released to coincide with Final Fantasy something-or-other back in the mid 90s this whopping plush breaks all records for taking up space in your house and looking quite crap. The missus wanted to give it away to a hospital or charity but I managed to hold onto it. Better get it back into the attic before she throws it to one of those charity vans that drive down the street every other hour.

Bitches to the Sword baby!

Brucie is the KING! No videogame character has made me crap with laughter quite like this fellow. He needs his own game, movie or something simply because he's just out there. I'm laughing now while I recall the banter during those trips to the strip club! I've no idea how the all the other GTA games played out and I've no plans to give them a try but number IV is everything people say it is. Not a 10/10 mind but a spectacular achievement all the same. I won't run through the list of what it does so well as you either already know or don't care but the Rockstar chaps need a pat on the back. Oh, they also need to keep away from EA or we'll never see this kind of project again. So, what does a typical GTA session involve then? You can guarantee the following antics each time I play:

1 - Motorbike riders and assorted pedestrians will be mercilessly plowed down so I can see just how far they can get thrown into the air. I drove through two bikers on East Borough and they flew off the bridge altogether! Natural selection baby!
2 - A trip to Honkers with Brucie just to hear his banter on important topics like bitches and pecs. We're winners baby!
3 - Some multiplayer cops 'n' robbers and not flipping the car over when I get control! Man-hug time!

Keen on some IV-Play?

I might have mentioned it before but I never quite took to the GTA series in any way. I am not adverse to a bit of murder and mayhem in a digital world but I found GTA to be lacking a certain style. Still, it was hard not to be swept away with the prossie-wacking juggernaut this time round. I finally succumbed and picked up my first ever R* game yesterday. No preorder though. Just waltzed into Argos and handed over the readies. Midnight queues and stab-proof vests? No thanks! I wasn't compelled to rush home and take the day off work though. It sat on my desk till 11pm last night before I removed the wrap and popped it in the 360. I'll let know you what I think when I've clocked up some reasonable time in Liberty City. What I can tell you though is the manual designer needs to learn how to present his typography better. It's called tracking pal... tsk.

Eyes are most definitely 'Bloodshot'…

Seriously. Those wacked out effects of Ethan Thomas either drunk or hallucinating are making my eyes hurt! You know when you've been up late playing and you wake up the next day but your eyes ache and you need extra time to adjust to the light? Yep, you've been playing Condemned 2 just like me! I liked the 'effects' first time round, tolerated them in F.E.A.R. and downright despise them now. Okay Monolith we get it! You're on a mission to give us all fits and seizures. Condemned 2 isn't too bad anyway. Especially when you get that and Dark Sector together for under £30 smackers. If you paid full whack then you might be regretting it slightly. Both games have some nice stuff in there, combat is interesting, lots of crimson etc, but they just lack that extra oopmh that makes them a COD beater. Far too many achievements for online stuff in my opinion. Condemned multiplayer is hilariously flawed and you'll be hard pressed to find anyone online waiting to play. The Club had a similar problem. Maybe it's a Sega thing!
Update: Oh dear. Condemned 2 suddenly went from okay to absolute crockery. Not wanting to reveal too much in case you're going through the game yourself but the last few levels are like a completely different game. Awful. The grimy streets, sinister thugs and spooky storyline are gone. In their place you've got a wacky sci-fi plot stuck in a City 17 style structure occupied by Hellraiser rejects in bondage. Too much reliance on guns made the whole thing laughable even on the hardest game setting. It was not scary or thrilling in any way. Such a letdown. If you want to try Condemned for the first time then stick to the original. Much better game in so many ways.

Definition of April

It sucks. Cold, wet and really quite unnecessary. Hopefully May will be a huge improvement what with Grand Theft, Indy 4 and maybe a spot of sunshine for more than a day. I never really got into the GTA games and I'm not that desperate for the next one either but it's piqued my curiosity more than previous installments. COD multiplayer is keeping me entertained for now, especially with the hilarious Americans constantly proving to the rest of the world that they come tops in the racist/anti-everything else league tables. Joined one particular match of Search and Destroy and had to turn the volume down to stop the endless racist taunts between the two teams during the intermission.
Who Hell He?
Not sure whether it's considered 'cool' to admit it but I have always been a fan of Doctor Who. Tennant doesn't come close to the majesty of the Troughton/Pertwee era of course but its still got the basic elements that keep me entertained. I don't like every story of course and I have a love/hate thing going on with Catherine Tate but the first two episodes this season were worth watching. The upcoming episode with the Sontarans has massive potential and, if they do it right, the return of Davros will have fanbois spanking into the forums for weeks afterwards. I tried my hand at some covers for potential DVD releases to kill some time last year but your hands are a little tied when you have substandard jpegs to work from. The example above was one such cover I made for the '42' episode shown last year. It's far from perfect as the images I wanted to use could not be found at sufficient quality. I would have killed for a good pic of the spaceship flying towards the sun. Sigh!